Hey Jealousy

“Jealousy is a tiger that tears not only its prey but also its own raging heart” (unknown)

Jealousy is a funny thing. Some of us suffer from it more than others. Some of us experience it without justification. Some people probably like the power they get when they make someone else jealous. But I don’t think any of us enjoy feeling jealous. Let’s try to get to the root of it.

First of all, it turns out that describing jealousy is a easier said than done. It seems to have something to do with envy, but when we said things like “she can be a really jealous person” we, surely, we don’t just mean that she can be a really envious person. Envy and jealousy, while related, aren't the same thing. For them to be the same I think you'd have to be able give an affirmative answer to both: (1) is it the case that, when she sees some hoe flirting with her boyfriend across the bar and she become engulfed in rage, she’s simply envious for the flirtatious girl? And, (2) is she’s, when she tries to call her boyfriend and he doesn’t answer she becomes engulfed in rage, just envious of those she assumes he’s off having fun with? Some might think “yes” to these questions, but I’m hesitant.

In the bar example, we aren’t accurately describing the situation when we say that she wants to be in the position of the flirtatious girl (that’s what it means to be envious); instead she is provoked into feeling jealous by the situation – she doesn’t want anyone else to play with her toy; she’s possessive of her boyfriend – the situation triggers a different reaction in her than one of envy. The same is true for call example: his failure to answer her call triggers her feelings of emotional reaction. Here the trigger is speculation of what he might be doing; speculation fueled by an absence of trust. Envy doesn't enter in at all.

So, while there’s definitely a close link between jealousy and envy, they aren’t the same thing. And they have certainly different triggers; I don't think an absence of trust can trigger envy in someone. I Also don’t even think jealousy is a particular kind of envy reserved for “romantic” relationships. While a jealous person might be triggered to feel envious of the fun or attention she speculates people are having with her object of desire, she also experiences a possessive feeling towards that object of her desire (e.g. her boyfriend or, lacking that, her crush). So jealousy can occur simultaneously with other emotions.

Is jealousy a good thing? I’m gonna say no. As I’ve already mentioned, there are a number of different triggers for one’s jealous feelings. A key one, that I mentioned, was baseless speculation fueled by the absence of trust. An absence of sufficient trust is a hugely bad thing. While the absence of trust is only going to play in when some is jealous of his or her romantic partner (rather than someone she wants to be her romantic partner), it’s in such situations that a lack of trust will be most damaging. Because of this, jealously is gonna be a bad this. But, in when there's complete trust between a couple of lovers, one of them can still get jealous. (Some might challenge me on that claim.) And here jealousy can still have detrimental consequences: in additional to be potentially damaging to a relationship (or a roadblock to the development of a relationship, since trust is earned not granted), jealousy is also a bad thing for those who experience it. Jealousy isn’t a pleasant experience. And it typically makes you do bad or irrational things. I think this is intuitively obvious -- I can't think of any reasonable person defending jealous as a virtuous emotion.

So I guess, then, the question de jour is whether or not we should tolerate romantic partners who suffer from jealousy. A knee jerk answer might be "Of course! Why not, fool? It's not really their fault." But hold on a sec. We just finished saying that it's a bad thing; it can be descrtuctive; it can cause suffering and hurt feelings. So, then, my answer is no -- you’re a sucker if you stick with an exceedingly jealous partner. But I’ll soften my position a bit with the following caveat: if you want go ahead and tolerate a partner who sometimes suffers from moderate jealousy; someone who can manage her jealously. But don’t settle for someone excessively jealous, or someone unable (or unwilling) to mange her jealousy. Here’s why I take this position: it not really pleasant to be with someone who’s really jealous and, if they really cared about you, they’d work their hardest to keep themselves from expressing their jealousy – they’d suffer solely internally such that you aren’t worse off because of their condition. Some one that dedicated to your happiness is someone worth keeping around. I could say more, but I think that’s enough for now. This is just my spur-of-the-moment thoughts on the subject. I could be wrong. After all, what do I know.