Not more Knots: Why the Scout movement ruins EVERYTHING.

In case you hadn't noticed, its now 2009. And the world still fails. The economy still sucks as much as the painful movie remake of 'Get Smart', and apparently Israel has decided its time to see the Gaza stripped. Worst of all, a judge has ruled that Blanket Man must wear underpants. This would be a perfect time for me to write a bitter polemic, outlining how we are all going to hell, and why the world is doomed. But, fuck it - I'm on holiday, so today I shall pick on some nerds.

And the Boy Scouts are geeks. I should know, I was one for seven years. I learnt to tie a bloody good reef knot. But I also learnt how to deal with virulent social ostracisation from the cool kids in the class. I was working towards my 'Teamwork' badge, they were figuring new ways to burn ants, steal the smaller kid's marbles and making a 'porn hut' in the long grass on the school field. I enjoyed the camps and the bush walks at the time, but I left the Boy Scouts at 13, a broken, disenchanted man. I wanted to be one of the cool kids, and to be one of the cool kids you couldn't be a Boy Scout. And because the Boy Scouts liked nature and camps and bush walks, if I wanted to be cool....I had to start littering.

I'm sure I wasn't the only kid who left Scouts in a vain attempt to get a primary-school girlfriend. I definitely wasn't the only kid who looked at the scouts, tying their 'woggles', saluting the 'flag' and bowing to 'Akela' (the adult who ran the Scout session is called Akela, after the jungle book), and thought 'What a bunch of saps!' And I definitely wasn't the only kid that stayed inside playing Sega Master System 2 because nature was, to use schoolyard lexicon, gay.

But nature isn't gay. (Although some trees are a little fruity - Zing!) White-water rafting, having crazy adventures in new and unexplored wildernesses, kayaking - that stuff's awesome, or at the very least its as cool as staying inside trying to escape from the Abominable Snowman in Skifree. My generation is the first generation to have grown up with gaming consoles, afternoon kids TV. My generation were also the first kids to look outside, and think it was lame. To a large extent, we associated the idea that nature was lame, and that protecting and preserving nature was lame with the idea that the Boy Scouts were lame. Considering we are apparently the last generation that can save the planet from a total environmental meltdown, the fact that most of us will be passing on the idea that the 'great outdoors' isn't really that much fun, and isnt really worth saving, if it means a much funnerer mall gets to be put in its place, is deeply depressing indeed.

There is a role for the Scout Movement in the 21st century, teaching kids that the great outdoors are worth saving, and hyping up the role that the individual can play in saving it. Scouts also extolls the virtues of personal responsibilty, but also with a social conscience to look out for those worse off than yourself. That's a pretty decent raison d'etre. But the problem with the Boy Scouts is that it remains firmly rooted in the 19th century, and the grand high mugwumps, or whatever the leaders of the Scout movement are called are even less enthusiastic about change than the Vatican. There's three major things crippling the boy scouts, and thats God, Mowgli and the Military.

Firstly God. As the lolvideo I found on Youtube, and embedded at the top of this post will attest. 'Reverence' is considered a fundamental tenet of the Scout Law. All those who wish to become new Scouts must swear 'to do their duty to their god'. What a bunch of crap. There is a time and place for young Christians to be reminded of the need to reverent to the Almighty, and that's Sunday school. Lord Baden-Powell, the founder of the Scout movement, may have considered that God went hand-in-hand with being a constructive member of society but this is an isolated and alienating position to hold in the modern, pluralist state. Not only that, but by actively reinforcing the idea that you can't be helpful, tolerant, trustworthy and generally good without being a Christian marginalizes kids that might otherwise be receptive to the virtues of saving nature and social responsibility, but dont want a lecture on the bible.

Next Mowgli. Scouts is littered with references to the Jungle Book. Cub Scout leaders are referred to as 'Akela's' after the leader of the Wolf Pack, and a Scout meeting normally involves a bizarre ritual of howling to the Akela. Again, Lord Baden-Powell may have felt that the themes and morals behind Rudyard Kipling's tome had relevance to ideas of collective responsibilty. But ours is a generation that associates the Jungle Book with Baloo singing the Bare Necessities, not as a hefty 19th century text. Howling to the leader no longer looks like a celebration of boyhood, it looks like a fucking after-school cult meeting. Worse than that, its lame.

Finally, the military. Baden-Powell's generation considered that 'good boys were well disciplined boys' and to attend a Scout meeting is to imagine you have entered North Korea or some other tin-pot country that still has compulsory military service. Scouts salute the flag, must iron their uniforms, swear fealty to the Queen, must be tidy at all times. To kids in 2008, this looks archaic, outdated and lame - things their parents make them do...not something that would freely choose to do after school. The role of Scouts must be to shows kids that nature is fun, and that helping others builds a better society, not drill kids that they are maggots who have a moral duty to respect their elders.

In conclusion, when most people look at new grim reports about climate change, or hear news that their is a mess of plastic the size of 2 United States floating about in the Pacific Ocean there is much handwringing about over-population and unsustainable use of resources. But, me - I blame the people who showed me and my friends that being sustainable and giving a damn was for weiners. A pox on ye, Scout Movement and every last woggle-wearing goody two-shoes muppet amongst you.

Alex