On Secrets

"Let me let you in on a secret. Zipcodes, they're meaningless." (Newman, 'Seinfeld')

We’ve all got secrets, bits of information concealed from others. That's a little too simplistic, so let’s expand our definition: For any conversation taking place between at least two people, a secret is a piece of information that at least one (but not all) of those involved in the conversation knows; information that those in the conversation who don’t know it would benefit in some way if they knew it. So, to clarify by example, I’d have a secret if I were having a chat with two friends and knew something about a mutual friend that (at least) one of the other members of that conversation didn’t know. But, were I having a conversation with someone else (e.g. a waitress at a café) that information about my friend wouldn't qualify as a secret. What’s most relevant here isn’t the conversations being had but, rather, the relationship you have with the persons your conversing with. The waitress wouldn’t be able to identify that information about my friend as a secret without additional information; additional information she doesn’t have because she lacks an appropriate relationship with me or my friend. Were I to mention the secret to her it’d be useless information and uninteresting to her. Note, though, that you can have a secret about yourself (for instance if you were a Republican who refrained from telling people that). While this operational definition may be problematic it’ll work for this post. I think we have a sufficient colloquial understanding of what secrets are to move to the next stage of this dialogue.

Some people love secrets. They love to know them and keep them; Or they love to share them. Others hate secrets. They can bear a burden of secrecy; they can create a wedge between friends and peers. While, for the most part, I do think keeping secrets is a bad thing there are instances when keeping secrets might be permissible. Gossiping is a kind of secret sharing that is bad. Here the keeping of secretive information is okay. Gossiping is not necessary and I’m against it. I’m not going to talk about it length (it’s more of it’s own topic); I only mention it as an instance when it’s better to refrain from disclosing information.

Having said that a lot more can be said about secrets than what I have time for here, so I’m going to have a sharper focus. I’m only going to explicitly talk about a specific kind of secret that are, generally, always best shared: ‘self-secrets’; secrets you keep that are about you, rather than about someone else. (However, prima facie, what I say about ‘self-secrets’ might hold true all secrets generally).

We, by and large, don’t want to hurt those close to us. Self-secrets (I’ll just call them ‘secrets’ hereafter for simplicity) sometimes impact people in hurtful ways. The cheating spouse has a secret from her adoring partner which would cause him great harm, were it disclosed. Having said that, when we boil it down, secrets are just a means of limiting communication. The disposition people have for keeping secrets deters honest and open communication; they prevent people from being identified as who they really are, what they’re really like, or what experiences they’ve had. You owe it to those you have close relationships with (those with whom you might keep a secret from) to show your true colours. People aren’t interested in getting to know a censored, politically correct, or abridged version of you; they want to get to know the real you. Or, if that isn’t the case, they’d be best off getting to know the real you. That’s what they deserve to know; that’s what you owe them. The importance we place on honesty, sharing, and open communication trumps any harm that would be suffered by the sharing of a harmful secret. Don’t forget that keeping secrets can be hurtful too; no one likes to be out of the loop.

Bear in mind that secrets aren’t necessarily bits of bad or negative information; they aren’t all hurtful. I would say that the vast majority of secrets aren’t harmful. You might keep other kinds of information secretive because of how the sharing of that information will affect you. Here it might be the case that they won’t want to continue the relationship if they know those things about you; or they will view you differently; or you just fear ill effects from the sharing of the secret (even if such ill effects would never come). But that’s an unsatisfactory and selfish reason to hide the truth. (And that, hiding the truth, is what you do when you keep a secret.)

To be clear I’m not advocating full disclose of everything about you to your friends and loved ones; that’d be too extreme. Nor am I suggesting that you gossip about yourself; that’d just be silly. We need to use our judgment, coupled with the nature and status of our relationships with those we are close to, to gauge when bits of information should be shared. What I’m arguing against is failing to share information when that standard has been met. I’m arguing that we should be honest and not be afraid of open communication. You should be yourself and make it the case that those around you know your true self. That’s something you should want. Being open and honest isn’t always easy to do, especially if you’re not used to sharing; doubly so if you’re embarrassed or not happy with experiences you had. Nevertheless those things about you are the things that made you who you are. Those that you are close with should want to know those details about you and value the contributions those details played in making you who you are. Otherwise, they're not worth keeping around.

The view I espouse here isn’t that controversial (at least I can’t see it as being controversial). All I’m saying is that people should communicate things about themselves when appropriate. The more interesting claim that I’m also, subtly, making is that we should be more willing to share information about ourselves. I could say more, but I think that’s enough for now. This is just my spur-of-the-moment thoughts on the subject. I could be wrong. After all, what do I know.